Domestic abuse can take on many forms – physical, emotional, sexual, neglect, financial – and happens across social classes, cultures and races; a spokeswoman for Refuge, speaking on Channel 5 News in relation to the Saatchi-Lawson incident, reinforced that domestic abuse ‘knows no boundaries’, and that there is no particular ‘type’ of person that it affects. Abusers often isolate their partners in the first instance, and may cut them off from their friends, family, money and work. An abusive partner may twist what you say to make you appear paranoid or ‘overly emotional’, and may make you feel as if it is your fault that they lashed out, degraded you or insulted you. Abusers often appear charming to others around them, which serves further twist reality, and can leave you feeling isolated, hopeless or even mad.

It’s not only women who are affected: one in three victims of domestic abuse is male. Over recent months Corrie fans watched as Tyrone Dobbs became a victim to both physical and emotional abuse from his partner, Kirsty, and saw how hard it was for Tyrone to be believed. Unfortunately, this is far too often the case with men who experience abuse, but people are speaking out and it is making a difference. The Independent ran a touching report on cases of male survivors of domestic abuse, with Dave, Kieron and Tim (names have been changed) talking about their experiences. “As a man, it’s very difficult to say you’ve been beaten up,” said Dave. “It seems like you’re the big brute and she’s the daffodil, but sometimes it’s not like that.”

A number of celebrities have talked about their experiences of domestic violence, including the late Whitney Houston, actress Halle Berry and singer Rihanna, but the scars of abuse are not always physical. Fewer people tend to speak out about psychological and emotional abuse, although Anna Larke did when she broke the silence surrounding her ‘prolonged campaign of harassment’ (The Guardian) at the hands of Justin Lee Collins last year. This, in no way, suggests that these forms of abuse are any less severe or significant, or should be taken any less seriously.

Domestic abuse, in all its forms, is incredibly complex. It can be difficult face the realisation of what is happening, and people experiencing any form of abuse may feel confused about loving their abuser. It can be difficult – or even dangerous – to try and leave, and it may be that you can’t access money or support. Perhaps it’s too hard to talk to friends or family, and you feel you have no-one to turn to. Here, at The Grove, we will witness your story and provide a safe environment where you can explore what is happening in a non-judgemental and supportive space. Let’s talk first before you decide on what action to take, so we can work through this together.

In an attempt to help demystify the symptoms and experiences of depression and bipolar disorder Fry, who is the president of mental health charity Mind, spoke frankly about the risk of suicide amongst people suffering from mood disorders. He has reached out to other people who are suffering, while also helping to educate and inform non-sufferers about bipolar disorder and depression.

Fry’s admission that there are times when he is laughing and joking on QI while wishing inside that he were no longer alive may have been revelatory to those who can relate to this painful way of being, and are struggling to make sense of what is happening. To hear someone talk about their depression can be enlightening for others going through similar experiences, and can become the catalyst for going to get help through counselling or therapy. Perhaps you can relate to this?

Other celebrities have publicly revisited their experiences of depression in the wake of Fry’s interview. Loose Women’s Denise Welch, who has previously spoken publicly about struggling to have her depression recognised and taken seriously, first battled depression in 1989 after the birth of her son. Welch knows how much easier it is to work with depression once you have someone to talk to: ‘A lot of people who require help are not getting it. That has to change,’ Welch said. ‘You can have depression and come through the other side…but you can’t do it on your own.’

Alastair Campbell, who spoke out in support of Fry last week, has also talked frankly about his depression over the past three decades: ‘I have faced it many times, though for years I drowned it out in drink, and perhaps at other times crowded it out with work,’ he told The Mirror last year. ‘People ask, “what’s wrong?” and you don’t really know. “What triggered it?” and you can’t answer that either.’ But it can be good to just talk, and to have a supportive ear listening.

Like Alastair Campbell, many people who suffer from depression use distractions like work and/or alcohol to help manage feelings of despair. Others, like Stephen Fry, may appear to be happy and bubbly when inside they are feeling at their lowest ebb. Thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself can be distressing and frightening, and it is a very confusing and isolating time. It can be difficult to ask for support from friends and family, especially when you don’t really understand what is going on yourself.

If you relate to the words of Stephen Fry, Denise Welch and Alastair Campbell, it may be that you are also finding it difficult to know where to go for help. Our counsellors at The Grove are experienced in working with depression, and familiar with its multi-faceted presentation. We will provide you with a safe, non-judgemental space where you can share your experiences and receive support and understanding, so let’s talk first before things get out of hand.

Find out more about therapy with The Grove Practice here.

She said in the Daily Mail article : ‘I’ve done therapy on an as-needed  basis since I was probably 10 years old.

‘My father was an alcoholic and a  very  abusive one, and my mother knew the value of providing me with the  outlet of an  unbiased person to talk to, so I’ve done that all my life  when times get  stressful. It really helps me deal with stuff.’

Halle now relies on her therapist to help her  whenever she is stressed or has personal problems.

At The Grove, we know the power of therapy and that having someone to talk to can really help you get through tough times. Often clients feel stronger and more resilient, knowing they can get a perspective from their therapist – that might be different from and very valuable, in addition to support from family and friends.

Here’s further information about how therapy helps, the issues that The Grove can help you tackle, as well as our fees and services:

In the meantime, our website has further information about how counselling can be helpful, as well as detail about our fees and services:

http://www.counselling.org/counselling-services-fee-team/therapy-helps/#

http://www.counselling.org/counselling-services-fee-team/issues-work/#

http://www.counselling.org/counselling-services-fee-team/fees-funding/#

Read more about Halle’s story: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2299405/Halle-Berry-Ive-therapy-30-years.html#ixzz2OjjNumUQ

In an interview with the Daily Mail in January 2012, Neville Lawrence said that the murder of 18-year-old Stephen in 1993 spelled the end of his marriage to Doreen. Prior to that, he said their marriage had been a “normal, loving relationship”.
He told the newspaper: “Our world began falling apart from the moment the hospital staff told us our son had died.
“For some reason that I’ve tried to understand – and I still don’t – we couldn’t reach out to one another. We stayed together for another six years, but from that day we never physically touched one another again.”
Despite their long campaign for justice for their son, involving group discussions, Mr Lawrence said he and his wife would discuss “absolutely nothing” as a couple.
He told the newspaper: “In 18 years, me and Doreen have still never once talked about what happened to Stephen that night. About how and why he died and how it affected us.”
Sadly, Neville and Doreen Lawrence separated.
But for many couples who have relationship therapy sessions, they can find a way to communicate about difficult or painful topics. They benefit from hearing each other’s point of view, even if they have very different views. This can bring greater mutual respect and understanding, which are crucial to maintain intimacy and sex in a marriage.
There can be a lot of sadness, hurt, anger and resentment beneath the surface of marital difficulties.  It takes courage to listen to your partner and say what’s on your mind.
Relationship counselling can give you time and a structure to look at what’s troubling in your marriage and gain new perspective. There’s often a lot to be gained.
Contact us soon to find out more about counselling and how we can help.

1. Escape from ‘must’ and ‘should’

Challenge any thought of ‘I have to’ or ‘I ought’, because this attitude creates resentment and makes life a chore. If you reframe your options and think of them as choices, you are in a stronger position to direct your life. Think through the consequences of what will happen if you don’t follow the ‘shoulds’ and find an alternative you prefer.

2. See mistakes as a journey

No human being is perfect, and thoughts of perfection make us miserable. Focus on what you have learned from your mistake, and carry this wisdom into your future. FAIL = First Action In Learning, or in other words, there is no failure, only feedback that you can learn from.

3. Be more authentic

Let go of self-consciousness and have the bravery to say what you really think and feel. You are likely to feel better and those around you will feel more secure because they know more of your true self. Trust your own instincts – they will be right for you.

4. Minimise worry

Avoid over-analysing by going over and over the same thoughts (often negative ones). This takes up valuable headspace which could be used for more positive things. Worrying is usually about the future – the thing you’re afraid of may never happen. Instead, stay focused on the present and the things you can work on or change, within your own sphere of influence. Stop being anxious about things outside your control.

5. Be thoughtful about your relationship

Rather than pick fights or get resentful about the little things, have the courage to ask your partner what’s going on fundamentally in your relationship. What is your vision of the future together, what might be on your mind that’s not being said? Make sure you really listen to what they say, even if it’s hard to hear – which helps avoid miscommunication.

6. Gaining by getting older

If you see the opportunity for life-long learning, your self-esteem can stay high even as you get older. Be mindful of the experience and wisdom that you’ve acquired along the way, as well as seeking opportunities to learn something new or put something back into the community as your life goes on.

7. Accept changes

Happy people tend to be more resilient and able to accept change, even if that change is unwelcome. Unexpected change, like redundancy or chronic illness, can be hard to deal with and bring a big loss compared to what you enjoyed before. But if you can accept the transition and the implications it brings, you are better placed to look for the opportunity or new solution to any changes, even if it takes a while.

8. Know you’re good-enough

One of the greatest causes of misery is feeling inadequate or not good-enough. Really take a look at your standards and expectations of yourself, which often come from significant influences from your childhood. If you can hold the belief that you are a worthy person who deserves respect, then you can accept your own version of good-enough and be kinder to yourself. Have goals by all means – but make them reasonable and enjoyable to achieve.

9. Live in the moment

One route to happiness is to value what you have right now, by appreciating the people and pleasures in your life. If you constantly rush from one thing to another or always focus on future goals, you are missing what you can enjoy right now. If you really find little satisfaction day by day, then maybe it’s time to make some changes.

10. Laugh a little (or a lot)

The ability to laugh at yourself kindly, to know your foibles and find the humour in situations – this trait is common for many happy people. Be optimistic and choose to see the funny side, a great demonstration of how to be more accepting of yourself and those around you.

The classic definition of stress is any stimulus which creates an imbalance in your internal state. Most common triggers can be:

• Lifestyle: work, travel, time pressures
• Emotional: divorce, bereavement
• Environmental: noise, toxins, heat, trauma
• Health: illness, lack of exercise, poor diet

2. Know the physical impact of stress

Stress kicks off the adrenal gland to produce adrenalin, creating the ‘fight or flight’ state of being pumped up. However, if the energy, availability for action and protection of the adrenalin is not directed into purposeful or productive activity, then the adrenalin washes round our body, with uncomfortable results. Raised adrenalin and cortisol in the body are linked longer term with increased risk of serious illness such as heart disease, strokes, diabetes.

3. Know your tipping point

For many people, their performance increases as stress begins to rise. But there comes a point where more stress brings a decrease in productivity. So it’s vital for you to work out where your stress tipping point is, so that you can manage your stress level at around this point.

4. Monitor your stress level

To combat stress, get into the habit of rating how you’re feeling and rating your stress level each day on a scale of 1 to 10. If your personal stress rating gets too high – then you know some different thoughts or actions are required.

5. Emotional impact of stress

One of the biggest effects of stress is a drop in mental well-being and a decrease in the ability to think clearly. If we are frightened or anxious, our brains are less able to process rationally and we are less able to recognise our emotions. A sense of being unable to cope, being irritable and over-defensive – all these feelings, and others, tend to be present when we’re stressed. Practise checking-in with yourself to see how you are feeling. The more you can identify a list of emotions (frustrated, scared, angry, mistrustful, overwhelmed), the better you will be able to support yourself in tackling stress.

6. Seek support

There are many ways to combat stress, so it’s worth finding those methods that work for you. Books and websites contain loads of information and ideas that you can experiment with. Alternatively, many coaches and counsellors offer support for stress-management: they can give you tools or techniques, while working through your experiences of stress.

7. You do have choices

Many people suffering from stress feel hopeless in relation to the demands of their job or family or financial pressures, for instance. But if you recognise that you do have choices (including the skill of saying ‘no’ or telling others that you are feeling stressed), then you are in a stronger position to manage your stress level and make supportive choices – even if there are consequences that you or those around you will need to deal with.

8. Keep it in proportion

Challenging the expectations of ‘I should’ or ‘I must’ can help you realise when you are working to unrealistic expectations of yourself. Realise that you are human and that perfection is impossible. If you can keep expectations in proportion and think through the reality of choosing not to follow the harsh instructions of ‘should’ and ‘must’ and ‘ought’, then you can be kinder and more humane to yourself and others.

9. Tune into your power

When you’re stressed, it’s easy to feel powerless. Yet if you tune into the power of what your inner voice tells you, trust your instincts, stick to your true values – then you will feel more empowered. It may take courage to follow your inner power, yet this is probably much healthier in the long run.

10. Be open-minded

Stress can come from feeling you’ve ‘got to’ deliver on a deadline or continue along a certain path. Although if you are open-minded about alternative options or ways of doing things, then you can increase your range of possibilities. Take a moment to consider radical solutions, just in case there’s a great stress-busting idea bubbling within you. Stress can be created by suppressing our true nature!

There were two programmes running in October 2011: the first was an individual tailored itinerary, for high impact executive development. Ben worked one-to-one with the client, focusing on leadership style, presence and authenticity, as well as handling aggression and conflict. The client, who heads a TV company, came back buzzing with enthusiasm for the 5-day trip and much feeling much better able to handle the competing demands of his job role.

The second journey was a group programme, a reflective journey riding a camel for 5 days through the desert, camping under the stars, connecting with nature and with self. Although the group came from diverse countries and backgrounds, they bonded at a deep level and worked together to support themselves through what can be a demanding experience both emotionally and physically.

Usually we fly into Cairo, spend a night in a hotel in Giza (with the opportunity to visit the pyramids and sphinx). Then begins the next leg of the journey by private air-conditioned minibus along the coast road to the oasis town of Siwa, at the edge of the Sahara desert. We stay overnight in charming private en-suite rooms at a hotel at the edge of town, where the food is amazing. The next day, we meet the camels, then set out on the 5-day desert journey. While in the desert, you can sleep in a tent or under the stars and all food is cooked on an open fire (and very tasty it is too). You experience sunsets and can rise early to see the sun appear. There’s plenty of time to enjoy the stunning views of the dunes or swim in the lakes that make a very welcome from the heat of the sun.

The natural environment there is awesome and always has a profound effect on those camel-riding and camping in the desert.

Here’s a poignant comment from someone who’s been on the Sahara journey:

“The desert is an extraordinary place to clear your head, be in connection with your self and live the present. It brought me peace, light and hope and I am grateful to Ben for having given me the opportunity to live this unforgettable experience”